The slow-mo spit-roast.

Working in a residential home - I have some awesome stories... I am also unable to post many of them, or those that I could, I would probably fail to get across the humour of the situation, as people reading this can't know the character quirks of the individuals of which I would be speaking!
Mostly though - it's legal and confidentiality issues!

But there is this one story, involving myself and my friend Jess - and a Polish lass by the name of Trev.
Now, I can only assume the story involved me and my wishes in some way to begin with, because we were discussing a spit-roast (no,not the kind with a pig). Trev, being lovely and cute and very innocent looks at us and Say's ..Adopts cute Polish accent: ''What is Spit-roast?''
Well, I - being me could not just simply explain this - like a normal person! And Jess being Jess - of course would join in whatever the fuck I started.

So up I get, Dr Pepper bottle (What's the worst that can happen, right?) in hand.. and bend myself over the table, deep throating my bottle like a trooper, while Jess enthusiastically thrusts away behind.
Appropriate behaviour for work? No, but that is one thing that is not expected of me! Because, well, I am me! It is part of my job to keep the conversations in the gutter, I am the comic relief! So, indeed not appropriate - but definitely expected.
We were on our lunch break, so this would have been all very well, were it not for one of the people we look after, stood very quietly in the doorway watching us. She never said a word, she just stood there... now at this point, any one else may well have stopped when we noticed her.. but we are not anyone else....
So I slightly froze, bottle rammed down the back of my throat. While Jess slowed right down, but continued to thrust at me, as if the slow motion would make it so much better or possibly less noticeable and just carried on in slow motion!
Luckily this particular woman, she had a sense of humour and found it pretty funny and nothing more came of the whole situation. Possibly in fact the scariest thing about it, is that Trev STILL asks us to explain things to her!
So, there you go people - a little slice of my life at work! It's pretty much the same sober and working for me  as it is out and drinking! Always some shit going on!

That awkward moment when....

For someone who lives in a word of fucked up shit and insanity, my life has been fairly quiet of late - I have genuinely had little crazy shit to write about. 
I mean, last night I spent sometime waving goodbye to a blind man, before my friend pointed out that he couldn't see us... but in all fairness, that's more on the side of scatty than fucked up.
So today my friend came over and told me a story, and it just really made me laugh - So simple and short as it may be, I thought I would share it.

This friend, may not want you knowing all this, so for the sake of what is left of her dignity, I shall call her Mildred!
Now Mildred suffers quite badly with IBS and if you know much about it, you know when you gotta go, you gotta go. She was having quite a bad time with it and on this morning had gotten up for her morning shit. 
Sitting there, Mildred was - liquid shit pouring out of her ass, and she can hear her dog (A very lovely, playful staffie, who get's easily over excitable) he is snorting and snuffing around like he is fighting something. All of a sudden, he starts to bash his head against the bathroom door, until he forces it open - stands in the bathroom and outof no-where (figuratively speaking - not literally) he shoots his load all over the bathroom floor. 
Poor Mildred is sat there - shit running out of her - so she can't move dog spaff all over the bathroom floor and nothing she can do! 

So yeah, short tale, but amused the fuck out of me - so here it is. 
And for those wondering ... Mildred is a real friend - if it was me, I would have happily said. Also I have a cat and no IBS.