The slow-mo spit-roast.

Working in a residential home - I have some awesome stories... I am also unable to post many of them, or those that I could, I would probably fail to get across the humour of the situation, as people reading this can't know the character quirks of the individuals of which I would be speaking!
Mostly though - it's legal and confidentiality issues!

But there is this one story, involving myself and my friend Jess - and a Polish lass by the name of Trev.
Now, I can only assume the story involved me and my wishes in some way to begin with, because we were discussing a spit-roast (no,not the kind with a pig). Trev, being lovely and cute and very innocent looks at us and Say's ..Adopts cute Polish accent: ''What is Spit-roast?''
Well, I - being me could not just simply explain this - like a normal person! And Jess being Jess - of course would join in whatever the fuck I started.

So up I get, Dr Pepper bottle (What's the worst that can happen, right?) in hand.. and bend myself over the table, deep throating my bottle like a trooper, while Jess enthusiastically thrusts away behind.
Appropriate behaviour for work? No, but that is one thing that is not expected of me! Because, well, I am me! It is part of my job to keep the conversations in the gutter, I am the comic relief! So, indeed not appropriate - but definitely expected.
We were on our lunch break, so this would have been all very well, were it not for one of the people we look after, stood very quietly in the doorway watching us. She never said a word, she just stood there... now at this point, any one else may well have stopped when we noticed her.. but we are not anyone else....
So I slightly froze, bottle rammed down the back of my throat. While Jess slowed right down, but continued to thrust at me, as if the slow motion would make it so much better or possibly less noticeable and just carried on in slow motion!
Luckily this particular woman, she had a sense of humour and found it pretty funny and nothing more came of the whole situation. Possibly in fact the scariest thing about it, is that Trev STILL asks us to explain things to her!
So, there you go people - a little slice of my life at work! It's pretty much the same sober and working for me  as it is out and drinking! Always some shit going on!

That awkward moment when....

For someone who lives in a word of fucked up shit and insanity, my life has been fairly quiet of late - I have genuinely had little crazy shit to write about. 
I mean, last night I spent sometime waving goodbye to a blind man, before my friend pointed out that he couldn't see us... but in all fairness, that's more on the side of scatty than fucked up.
So today my friend came over and told me a story, and it just really made me laugh - So simple and short as it may be, I thought I would share it.

This friend, may not want you knowing all this, so for the sake of what is left of her dignity, I shall call her Mildred!
Now Mildred suffers quite badly with IBS and if you know much about it, you know when you gotta go, you gotta go. She was having quite a bad time with it and on this morning had gotten up for her morning shit. 
Sitting there, Mildred was - liquid shit pouring out of her ass, and she can hear her dog (A very lovely, playful staffie, who get's easily over excitable) he is snorting and snuffing around like he is fighting something. All of a sudden, he starts to bash his head against the bathroom door, until he forces it open - stands in the bathroom and outof no-where (figuratively speaking - not literally) he shoots his load all over the bathroom floor. 
Poor Mildred is sat there - shit running out of her - so she can't move dog spaff all over the bathroom floor and nothing she can do! 

So yeah, short tale, but amused the fuck out of me - so here it is. 
And for those wondering ... Mildred is a real friend - if it was me, I would have happily said. Also I have a cat and no IBS. 

Where's the pasty shop?

Ok, this is a little one - it has for some reason, been a while since the usual strangeness has happened to me!  Aside from having a lightsabre fight with a cripple, anyway! However, I encountered an odd 5 mins yesterday that I felt needed a mention!

So, I was in the city and went into Ali-Bongo's with a friend. While she was being served, the guy behind the counter got all distracted, then apologised, and explained that someone had paid them with a fake £50. There was some commotion from most of the staff regarding this and then, a couple more staff said they had found the guy.
Commotion continued, and although they said they had found they guy, there was no sign of him.....
Then a guy comes in the shop, appearing pretty worked up and angry, shouting ''where is it then?''....
''Where is the fucking pasty shop?''

Ok, so its little, silly, and probably funnier when I was there...however, what the hell a guy was so pissed off about the pasty shop is all about when everyone else is stressing about a fake £50, well, it just struck me as odd :D

The graveyard goat!

Ok, So I have been out n on the drink, as usual - but nothing much has really happened of note and I suppose its time I wrote something in here, so my friend suggested I needed to share this with the world -

I was probably around 14 or so when this happened, however it was weird, so it stays in my mind pretty well!
It was a perfect horror movie night, the sky was a really dark shade of blue, almost black, but not quite. There was a ground mist, an almost full moon sitting low in the sky. And for some reason I was walking into the neighbouring village! This route took me past an old chapel and its graveyard, in which lived a goat. So on this particularly creepy night, walking past this graveyard - the goat looks up at me, staring - he is scuffing and kicking at a broken gravestone, which looks like a hand could reach up from it, evil dead style, and in all honesty the goat looks kinda mean. I feel a shiver down my spine, and get that weird feeling in my gut, you know the one? You get it when something isn't quite right....

When out of no-where, the somewhat evil looking  goat belches at me! This of course, ruins the creepy atmosphere of the evening!

So, its not a hugely crazy story, but Amber pissed herself when I told her, and wanted me to write it - Therefore, this is for her! My lovable <>

Ok, so this is basically gonna be short, for now. Last night I was talking to a friend, and it transpired that I should make more notes of the torrent of strange and crazy things that always seem to happen to me when I leave my house! 
Such as the guy who stuck my hand in his mouth at The Wildman, last I was in there! An event I originally noted in my 'Rants of a broken mind' blog, however that is more-so for my ranting, this is my crazy, happy and often slightly drunk side! 


In an attempt to keep the amoosement factor up, I will indeed try to obtain photo's where possible... and may even backtrack to some of the funnier events throughout my 30 years on this insane earth! Some of them will most likely be rude, but if you know me, then truth is, you'd be disappointed if they weren't! 


So best I get my ass up and get out of my front door! I'm sure it wont take long for trouble to find me!